It’s Not Biphobia

It’s not biphobia that I’m feeling; it’s more of a frustration with the societal expectations placed on women. From a young age, women are often conditioned to center their lives around men, which can profoundly shape their approach to relationships.

Recently, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen in 10 years. During our conversation, she shared that over the past decade, she’d come to realize she’s bisexual. Feeling excited to explore her attraction to women, she updated her dating profile to include both men and women.

While she was inundated with attention from men, the few women she matched with didn’t lead to anything meaningful (which isn’t surprising. If you only get two potential suitors, odds are it won’t be a match. You need to date many, many, many people to find the one). Eventually, she started dating another man.

Living in the Midwest, where traditional dating norms are still deeply ingrained, it’s common for women not to take the lead. If no one makes the first move, it results in a stalemate. Meanwhile, men—who are typically taught to pursue—naturally fill that gap, often winning the attention of bi women who might otherwise explore relationships with other women.

As a lesbian, I enjoy being pursued but I also like taking the lead. Yet I’ve noticed that if bi women don’t feel empowered—or simply aren’t encouraged—to take initiative in dating (and yes, I recognize this is a generalization), they often end up in relationships with men.

To be clear, this isn’t about biphobia. It’s about how the societal roles women are taught to play make queer dating more challenging. The problem isn’t bisexuality; it’s the way women are socialized to prioritize passivity in relationships.